Last Day of School! - Brady

Wow. I am DONE as a high school teacher. I thought I might have to go back tomorrow, but I finished everything early.

I feel good! The kids were crazy today. Understandably so, I guess. It was the last day of school, but I was still kind of annoyed. They left at 11. Then, I spent the afternoon frantically trying to finish everything.

It was only when I was done, gradebooks and keys turned in, that it hit me. I spent a little more time in my room, half because I wanted to make sure I wasn't forgetting anything (Definitely forgot something. Ha ha.) and half because I wasn't quite ready to leave yet. I got a Pepsi and kind of sat and started at my empty, dusty room as the clock hit 3:10 - the time I was officially done with my last day of school. I cleaned up a little, read some stuff on slate.com, gathered up my things, looked around my room, turned off the light, and closed the door. I looked back at the school as a drove away because, honestly, I don't know how often I'll see it again! Weird. Then I took my regular route downtown to get Kevin, down Lima Road - a road that I HATE because of all of its strip malls and chain restaurants - away from the Northwest Allen County School District. All afternoon I felt good about forgoing a career as a high school teacher for grad school.

THEN, I went to Kevin's office to check my email. He had some orange and yellow congratulations roses waiting for me:

AND Kelly had sent me some great apartments to check out online. THEN, I went and had dinner and drinks with some very good teacher friends from school. We probably spent three and a half hours at Columbia Street West - my favorite bar in Fort Wayne.

And the best part is...I got to meet a local NPR host that I listen to every morning! She's the neighbor and friend of one of the teachers who was there. Here's a picture of our meeting.

Great day!

Mixed Feelings, All Bad - Brady

Today, the last full day of school for my students and maybe the second or third to last time I will ever set foot in Carroll High School, I experienced a range of emotions - all of them bad. Here's the list.

1) Nerves/Worry

For some reason, drying my hair in the morning is when I get the most stressed out/angry/panicky/fill in other negative emotion here. Something about the normal nerves I feel right when I wake up anyway plus the heat from the blow dryer plus having nothing else to think about causes trouble.

Today, I got really nervous again about this move to grad school. I revisited my old worry that I will never find a job as a professor so I'll probably just be wasting my time. Then I moved on to a new worry - that it will impact my relationship with Kevin to be living in Chicago while he's in Fort Wayne. Both of these are valid concerns to have, I think, and factors I considered when I made my decision to go to Northwestern, but I was unhealthily nervous about it this morning. It definitely started my day off on the wrong foot.

2) Disappointment

This is a little thing, but I did not get the reaction I was hoping for when I passed out these personalized letters I wrote to each of my students. On Friday when I handed them out to the kids who had finals that day, they loved them. I guess that raised my expectations too high, because the reaction I got today was less than stellar. It made me feel like the time I spent writing them was wasted.

3) Frustration and Annoyance

In general, my students were just kind of crazy and punky today. Lots of arguing, lots of talking when they weren't supposed to be talking, lots of attitude.

4) Shame and Stress

Finally, and the worst for me, was something a student said in 7th period. I had him last year in Spanish 1 and now have him in Spanish 2. Last year, he was in this terrible class period. It was a big class, the room was hot, it was the last class of the day, and I had a bunch of troublemakers. I lost control of it somehow early on in the semester and never quite got it back.

Here's how the conversation went. It occurred as I was passing out papers.

Kelsey: Did you write notes for all of your students last year?

Me: No, I thought about it, but I didn't really have time or just decided not to or something. Plus, with some of the classes I had last year, I didn't really feel like trying to think up nice things to say about everybody.

Ryan (kid I had last year): 7th period was TERRIBLE last year.

Me (Trying not to get into it. I know I didn't do a great job and didn't really want to talk about it.): I know! I was so glad when that class was over.

Ryan: I mean, it was TERRIBLE.

Me: I know!

Ryan: Like, it was the worst class I've ever been in.

Me: (Silence. Trying to avoid more of this conversation. This is my last day with this class, and I really don't want to be talking about what a terrible teacher I was last year.)

Stephanie (another girl I had in that class last year): They were so mean to you. (She means the troublemaking kids in that class.) I felt so sorry for you.

Me (a little annoyed - I don't need high school pity!): Don't feel sorry for me. Other than them being annoying it didn't really affect me (This is a lie - it did make me doubt my abilities as a teacher and really stressed me out).

Ryan: I remember that day we had the Marine as a sub. No one said a WORD.

Me (pretending to be curious): Oh really? (Thanks, Ryan, for telling me how much better things went when you had your Marine substitute teacher.)

Ryan: I mean, those guys didn't SPEAK for the whole class.

Me (finally): Okay, we need to move on to ...

At that moment, I just felt like, "High schoolers - good riddance." No regret about leaving, no idealizing what it's like to be a teacher.

But, based on how I felt earlier in the day about grad school, I'm not jazzed about that right now either.

What a blah day. I'll try to be more positive the next time I write.

Going Away Party - Brady

Sigh.

I had two sad but fun after-school events today. First, we had our "transitional" Student Council meeting where one groups' duties stop and the next year's groups' jobs begin. It was really cool to see how much the kids have changed over the year, especially the leaders. You know that saying about trying to be as good of a person as your dog thinks you are? Well, sometimes I think you can replace "dog" with "nice high school kid." Some of the sweet ones just make you feel awful about all the times you've been grouchy to the not-so-sweet-ones.

Then I had my going away dinner with my department at Don Chava's, a restaurant in town. They are really good people and a big part of me regrets not staying longer.

Moving is feeling very real today. Not all in a bad way, but very real.

Prom Pictures and a Video! - Brady

As promised in the "Prom - Brady" post. In true prom fashion, I've posted way too many pictures. :)

The classic pre-prom picture.

Flats are crucial.

Kevin goofing around at dinner. We actually went out with some teacher friends beforehand.

Our flowers. Kevin's adorable idea. We did the prom RIGHT.

The car museum where the event was held.

My duties - deliver memory books and crowns.

The two of us enjoying the decorations before the masses came in.

The kids dancing to "Sandstorm," Kevin's favorite song. No dirty dancing to this song.

Prom - Brady

As a junior homeroom teacher it was my responsibility to chaperone prom last night. I also had the very important task of making sure the king and queen crowns and memory books arrived on time. I was really excited to go. Kevin bought me a corsage, we got all dressed up, and I was hoping to get to do a little dancing!

Didn't happen. I was actually expected to work. - can you believe it? :) I had to break up kids that were dancing dirty, which I only did once and just kind of looked the other way the rest of the time. I was also disappointed that a lot of the teachers were apathetic about the whole thing and left as soon as their shift was up.

It was really neat to see kids who are goofy and kind of unkempt at school get all dressed up and excited. It was also sweet how every social clique was represented. Everyone, no matter how cool or uncool their reputations may be, found somebody to go to the dance with and seemed to be having a good time. I saw our very intellectual acting and looking valedictorian there, our rock band kids, our athletes, some of our special needs students, and even a couple of the very apathetic students I have in my homeroom who I thought would be way too hip for prom. I was also really proud of the seniors' choice of prom king and queen. They are two very, very good kids who I didn't necessarily expect to win. I had some of those moments where I felt like I could be a high school teacher forever when students would come up to me to chat, meet my husband, and shake my hand. Our school really does have a lot of nice people in it.

I'll add some pictures later of Kevin and me.

Teenagers Schmeenagers - Brady

Rough day at school. I'm so over being a high school teacher. The students are not engaged in anything because they think it's almost summer vacation. Then, I had a couple of jerky encounters with my homeroom students. For example, some of them didn't take the time to write even their names on their "senior brag sheets," these papers the counselors ask them to fill out with all of their honors and activities so they know what kinds of things they can write on letters of recommendation. I mean, the school is going out of its way to help these kids out, and they just refuse to participate on any level.

Also, I'm a student council sponsor and elections are happening right now. After a ton of organizing and stress, I'm running the ballots through the scantron machine and another teacher points out that some kids haven't even filled them out right. For example, some filled in every single bubble except any of the ones that count for the people they were supposed to be voting for. Another kid wrote "What is the point of this?" down the paper. The worse was the kid who just wrote, "No gays."

I know that teenagers are supposed to be rebellious or whatever, but there's really no excuse for behavior like that. I mean - how arrogant and thoughtless.

Too bad they can't all be the perfect, sweet, never moody or spacey teenager I was. Ha ha.

Okay, Ready to Move Now - Brady

Not a great day as a high school teacher today. Not terrible, but not great.

First, I saw my students' grades on this common test all the Spanish 2 teachers give. After a lot of work and worry, their scores STILL aren't where I want them to be. As far as I can tell, they're lower than some, maybe all, of the other Spanish 2 teachers' kids' scores. It makes me feel like I'm just not very good at this job.

Then, a bunch of district administrators came in (just for a routine visit, not to evaluate me) during what was not my finest teaching moment. It was a class that's not very academic, I was speaking what I felt was too much English, and everything was a little disorganized.

This isn't the reason I'm leaving the classroom, but it's a nice reminder that my job right now isn't perfect. And it's definitely a change from all the idealizing of teaching I was doing last week.

And Backs and Forths

I know exactly how Kelly feels. She and I have been having really similar experiences over the last two years: first and second years of teaching, adjusting to cities that are really more like suburbs, and making the hard decision to leave the classroom after only a short time in it. Our current dilemma is just another of those similarities.

Here's my situation. I agreed, pretty enthusiastically, to move back to Indiana when my husband found a job here after being in Chicago for two years. Once I got here, though, I had a huge problem adjusting. I missed living in a big city A LOT. I would even say last year, the first year we lived in Fort Wayne, was the worst year of my life (part of that had to do with being a first-year teacher, which is pretty stressful).

Then, the best imaginable thing happened. I applied to several PhD programs and, after a lot of work and waiting, started to hear back. I was accepted to the University of Michigan, a program I felt unbelievably lucky to have an offer with, and got excited about the possibility of moving to Ann Arbor for a few years. Then, I heard from Northwestern, a school I thought was more than a long shot for me. It turns out the stars had aligned so they were looking for someone with my set of interests and qualifications, and I was accepted. This meant moving back to Chicago, the place I had convinced myself was my real "home," moving in with one or both of my sisters (I was still sad about living apart from Kevin, but the fact that they would be there made me feel a lot better), and going to a great grad program studying exactly what I wanted with a professor who couldn't be a more perfect mentor for me.

Imagine my surprise, then, when a couple of weeks ago I started to second-guess my decision. Spring was starting, so all of a sudden our house, yard, and the city itself looked really pretty. My classes started going really well; I felt like I was hitting my stride as a teacher. I had a couple of great weekends with friends in the Fort Wayne area. I really started to imagine that I could stay here long-term and be happy as a high school teacher.

However, I still truly believe I made the right choice - that staying here is the easy and safe route while moving back to Chicago is a challenge that I'm ready for and that I'm supposed to take. I also believe, as my mom told me when I called her upset about this the other night, that "the day after I schedule a haircut appointment, my hair always looks great." I think there are good things about any place, and it's natural to feel sad about leaving. I'm sure that once I find an apartment, move, get into a routine with Kevin's visits, and settle into school these worries will disappear.

- Brady